Whenever I begin to feel that my parents understand me and let me go on my own steady pace, that feeling dissapears . It crashes and breaks into a million stupid little pieces that I am forced to pick up again.

I try my best I really do, but I cannot handle doing several billion things at a time. It's my fault to get excited about multiple events or projects (gemini tendencies), but I am unable to take in everything at once.

Dad,
I guess it's my fault then. I'm sorry I am unable to play piano 1-2 hours day like I used to. Things change and I guess you can't really handle that. I'm sorry that I can't appease you anymore and that I am not your prizewinning daughter that you can display to all your friends. I thought you supported me with what I did, but now you're making me feel guilty over taking a break and letting me concentrate on college. I thought that you would be happy with my decisions. I know it sounds easy to handle summer school, a part time job and then a little piano on the side, but no it's not that easy. I really do enjoy playing piano, but I'm sick of this image that is fixated on me as a "musuem" to show off to your friends. I'm so tried of it. I just want to play piano for myself. As selfish as that sounds, I want to enjoy music. I want to see my friend smile and understand why I play a certain song for them because there is always an underlying message that I send out to them; I love you. Everytime I practice, you have to breathe down my back. I don't like that. Everytime I play for you, none of you listen. That's the problem with this family; no one listens to one another. You won't listen to me. I try to explain myself, but you won't listen. You tell me to shut up. You tell me to stop arguing with you when i'm not. I'm not trying to piss you off, I just want you to listen and try and empathize. Why can't you just understand how I feel? I'm upset. I'm hurt. I feel oppressed by your decisions. Why can't you just listen to me and hear about how much pain I have about the insults, the guilt tripping especially. There's so much in my life that I want you to know about, but you won't listen. You listen to my brother.
Appeasing you is not the solution. The solution is for you to stop being fixated over me. Dad, I'm busy. I work, I go to school, and then at the end of the day I am fucking exhausted. I just want to sleep. Later on I can focus on what I enjoy; language and music. Don't you understand what I'm trying to do? No you don't, because once again; you don't FUCKING listen. The fact that you keep guilt tripping me is annoying. I promised a friend to not let you get to me

Posted 6/19/2008 at 11:3 PM