you know i wonder to myself right now: what's the point with guys and I realised that I don't need anybody, i am just lying to my own self about everything....why have I been so concerned about men...you know what just fuck it i don't need this

there's no point in me wasting my time over someone, i've been an idiot, i sound like so many people that i hate and i never wanted it at all, what have I been thinking for the past several months??? I don't know and it wasn't me thinking state wise

it's pointless and what is pointless: Guys
there is nothing to fret over, yes their gorgeous and some are nice, some will grip your heart but you know what in the end: it's never beautiful though maybe that's what i just experienced. I don't know about you but for now enjoy yourselfs and then cry over it. though i won't be there and let you cry on my shoulder, there's gonna be a wall and you can lean and cry your fucking head off for all I care.

I don't know why i have been so fucking concerned about what guys think of me, fuck guys fuck you all do you know what you fucking are? (NIN lyric)

Why am such an emotional wreck, i get so fucking depressed about guys that...are across the ocean from me or fuck 2 ft away from me bowling his cynical ass

Everyone is happy w/whoever they are with and that's fine w/me, i don't care about relationships anymore-it makes me sound like a desperate whore wait...that sounds like several people in this fucking world and i don't want that, for now i just want to lie in my bed, blast some NIN and pretend to not hear my mom yell for me.

I'm starting a new era: enough of falling in this emotion that everyone believes in: Love, by the way: does anyone know what the fuck love means. It means nothing; it's just a silly emotion that your head decided to stir in up in your fucked up imagination
i just took a shower-any symbolism in that? yes-it means that I just cleansed myself from everything and i'm starting clean.
screw emotions
i don't need anyone
guys don't like me and I don't give a fucking care
i don't mean anything to guys so and whatever
i am considered not even sexually arousing so fuck you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if a guy comes near me i'm going to TASER YOU!!!!!!!
my only main concern now is working on how i'm going to avoid this stupid emotion and get a drink of water , actually i could use some australian yellow tail or a 2002 Beaujolais ..nah pinot noir is good too
i'm sick of burgundy and merlot mmmm chardonnay
or something sweet like a desert wine though wait i can't buy any ...damn

Things that I have cleansed from my pathetic mind
-guys
-dances
-hanging out w/guys
- winter ball
- prom
-dresses

things that are coming out of my fucking closet
-my dress shoes
-return mandy's dress
-pretty clothes that my mom decided to buy: you know what mom you can wear this if you love it so much

things that i'm never going to do anymore
-clip my hair w/pins
-curl my hair
-let my hair down
-apply anything that smells good on my ugly skin
- not use de frizzle spray
- listen to all this emo shit in comp cuz i'm going to delete all these songs
- hide some photos or burn them
- dance
- just screw you all
-not going to play badminton 5th period cuz i'm wasting my time

-THings i'm going to do
-hide in the dark room
-hide in the j-lab
-work in the dark room
-work in the j-lab
-turning off my cell phone

Posted 11/27/2005 at 2:5 PM

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1 Comments

susan............. I wish you'd tell me more what is up with you. You are acting out and u just need to cool off. don't go to those extreme measures... i dont know what you are hoping to accomplish except alienate yourself from everyone who loves you and cares about you so much. And don't take those horoscopes so seriously I think you are letting them outline your life for you instead of taking each day as it comes and making what YOU want out of it... I am here for you if you need someone to bank on but you know that Ben and I and everyone else (but Ben especially) is just going to give you the cold, hard truth, but it's only to help you. hang in there.

	Susan
	November The first week of the month will leave you feeling a little uneasy. Emotionally, you will have gone through some ups and downs. The New Moon on the first of the month is a good time to make goals and start the wheels in motion for something new. However, for you it won't be completely smooth sailing. There may be some challenges to contend with, especially concerning your self-confidence. By the second week you should be a little clearer about what direction to take, but there will still be hurdles to overcome. Frustrating miscommunications could begin to occur from November 14 on for a couple of weeks. Watch for the tendency for emails to get lost, phone messages to get deleted and missed appointments that have a lasting impact. To avoid problems, try to have a backup plan in place, leave lots of notes for yourself and keep copies of correspondence. This influence could take a toll on Gemini, especially around November 17, 21 and 23, but if you are prepared the effects could be less dramatic. A period of unsettling change will lessen as of November 15. This is not a great month for you to make major commitments, final decisions or big life changes. Set goals indeed, but wait until the right time to move on them. Otherwise, you will be met with roadblocks and frustration. Watch the tendency to be rash and impulsive. Taking unplanned risks will cause regret and possible emotional pain.

-uhhh holy shit why is my horoscope that accurate???? miscommunication-DEFINIETLEY
self confidence-THAT TOO

Today's horoscope~

Susan
	November 26, 2005 You may feel more and more uncomfortable as the day goes on, Susan. Perhaps you find yourself in conversations in which your tongue is tied - quite a rare spectacle indeed. The problem is that you simply don't know what to say, or if you do, you simply don't feel comfortable saying it in front of the people you are with. Perhaps you feel like you have lost your edge. Do not despair. Remember that this is only a passing trend and that you should return to your full-blown communicative self before you know it.

Posted 11/27/2005 at 1:12 AM